Tag Archives: family life

Act of “kindness” or simple misogyny?

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I recently heard of a female professional, who had been removed from the decision making process on a project without her knowledge. She was removed, without being consulted, because her older, male colleague “knew she was busy with her baby”.

Excuse me, but what could he possibly know about her needs, unless he spoke with her first? I know that for some women, becoming a mum takes up all their time, and all they want to do is taking care of their baby. For others, going back to work is a free choice, something they really want and need, not just for the money, but for their own sake. They want, and need, to continue a life where they are not “mum” all the time. And unless they are asking for a reduced workload, who is to decide what is best for them?

Maybe this male professor thought he was being nice, but the truth is, he wasn’t. He was infantilizing his younger, female colleague, deciding in his own mind what was best for her. This is a very old fashioned way of thinking about professional life and motherhood at best, misogynistic at worst.

I have met men who thinks that women should be the primary caretaker of the children, and of the home. Well, I still haven’t seen any scientific proof that says that women are, by nature, better caretakers than men. It’s all about how we are raised, and the so-called values that society pass on from one generation to the next.

When I ask these men why women should be the primary caretaker regarding children, they don’t manage to present me with a good answer. It’s more like “it’s the way it is”, or “it’s the way it’s always been”.

Well, they might be right in the way that it’s been like this for a long time, but who decided in the first place that this should be the norm? Women have been working since the beginning, in the fields, in the mills, in the guest houses, later in the factories, the schools, the hospitals, and in the offices. In addition, most of them are also the main responsible for the childcare and housework. Yes, it’s a big burden to carry.

But instead of a man making decisions, once again, about what women need or want, they should ask themselves how both parties can have a career and a family life, without one getting burned out, or one having to cut down on work to manage family logistics.

It might come as a surprise to some men, but many women would also like to advance in their career, without sacrificing having a family, or without having to employ someone else to take care of their children and house.

There’s a lot of talk about the importance of the mother’s presence in the early years of a child’s life, but equally important is the presence of the father. Children need several role figures in their lives, they need to see that gender is not what defines a persons ability to take care of them. When we keep reproducing the old fashioned stereotype that women should be home with the children, while the father is working, things will never change.

As different families have different needs at different times in life, I do favour free choice. But what concerns me, is that most of the time, this “free choice” results in women reducing their work time, or quitting all together, while the man continues like nothing has changed. (Having children is a true gamechanger!) Or he might even have to work more to compensate for the increased expenses coming with having children.

Which brings me to another point, the fact that men are systematically better paid than women. If you can’t afford childcare, and one parent has to stay home with the kids, who’s it gonna be? The one that earns less is the obvious choice. You don’t need to go to Harvard or Oxford to get that.

But why is it that women is systematically less paid? Is it another old fashioned thought behind? Stemming from the days pay was related to physical strength? And then continued when women started to work in offices, but only unmarried women were employable? Because they were forced to quit when they married, as from then on their responsibilities would be to care for their husband, their children and their home. Unmarried women back then usually lived with their parents, and like that less expenses, justifying less pay.

Also of importance is the way work-life is organised. You don’t get kids to put them in other peoples care from 7 in the morning till 7-8 in the evening. That means you never really see your kids awake. The less flexible working hours, the less people can make free choices when organising their private life. The Nordic countries have done a lot to accommodate work-life to family life, while most other countries still require that family life is adapted to work-life. Which in reality gives a lot of people little choice on how to manage their family life.

Still, when both parents manage to hold a job, and juggle as best they can, how arrogant is it for a male colleague to decide that his female colleague should be excluded from important aspects of their common project? She didn’t make any mistakes, didn’t complain about her work-load, she didn’t miss any deadlines. In my opinion his decision can’t be explained rationally, or justified. I worry for every woman returning to work after having a baby, because they risk being cut loose simply because “they are busy with a baby”. I have read stories about women coming back to work after giving birth, to find that their job is not really existing any more. Which is a cruel way to exclude them from the work-place.

This “a woman’s true place is in the home”-mentality has to change. Not just for the sake of women, but also for the sake of men. All the things they miss out on, because they have to work, work and work. And so much talent is wasted because women are pushed out of work-life.

We need both women and men in the work-place, as well as at home. Male executives, STOP making decisions over our heads, we are totally capable of taking care of ourselves, and we are damned good at logistics. Instead, work with us to change old fashioned mindsets and outdated structures in public policies and work-place policies. Men will benefit from it as much as women. Trust me.

Some relations are more difficult than others…

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I have read many places that therapists often advice people to avoid toxic relations. An advice I have no problem understanding, and wanting to live by. The challenge is just that sometimes we are forced to keep those relations in one way or another, because it’s people within our closest circle.

After conversations with several friends, over time, I have realized that one relation many of us feel difficult, is the one with our mother-in-law. And a recent question from one of my friends, “why do you think it’s so difficult?” inspired me to write this little piece.

First of all, I have no definite answer to the question. Second, many people have excellent relations with their in-laws. But for those of us who experience some kind of troubled relation, it seems that there are some things in common.

One thought that has crossed my mind, is that mothers-in-law are jealous of their son’s spouse. It’s not a far out thought, because she has loved her son since he was born, and all of a sudden there’s another woman claiming his attention and love. Which sparks another question; will she ever find the woman he choose good enough for her son? Or will she actively look for faults? Although she will probably do this “in secret”.

One common thing my friends and I have experienced, is the mother-in-law who interferes in our way of raising our children, or who comes around and straight away start to do things around our house. It’s nothing more irritating than this kind of silent way of criticism. Because unless we asked them to come over to give us a hand with the housekeeping, we do take it as criticism when the first thing they do are starting to pick up toys from the floor, or arranging all the kids books neatly in the shelves, or ask if they should take the dirty laundry with them. Perhaps they think they do us a favour, perhaps they do not intent to provoke us, but a tired mum with toddlers might perceive this behaviour in a hostile manner.

Which brings me to yet another thought. I have had to face on quite a few occasions comments like “you look tired”, or “you look irritated”, or “are you not well” when my kids were still at the age when they woke up at night, or when I had a rough time managing two-under-two alone, while my husband was away at work. I can assure you that comments like that is the last thing you need when you feel totally exhausted, but still tried to fresh up a bit to look kind of representable, and took your children to see their grand-mother. First time I let it pass, second time I bit my tongue, third time it really started to piss me off, and if I do remember correctly, I think I finally asked her to stop her comments. I guess she didn’t take it too well, because younger people should not answer back to the elder. Because mothers-in-law often put themselves in a superior position, even if we no longer share household or have to answer to her on a daily basis.

I also think that mothers-in-law keep a close eye to how we treat their sons. If we live up to the standard she sets. A standard I guess few of us are able to meet.

In case of conflict between a son and a mother, I also think that the wife will often be accused of turning son against mother. Perhaps not in direct words, but never forget that daughters-in-law are women too, and our intuition is no worse than that of the mothers-in-law. We quickly sense that something’s going on. No words need to be said, we see the look, feel the cold, sense the tone.

Of course the nature of the relation is also depending on the personalities involved. It’s why this is not something that affects every mother/daughter-in-law relation, or it affects it in different degrees. But at worst, it can be really tricky.

Perhaps things are about to change, as new generations have different experiences than old ones with balancing work and family. The next generations of mothers-in-law (like my friends and myself) have more than a formal higher education, we have also lived a life of our own before settling down, unlike our own mothers and mothers-in-law, whom for the most part left their parents’ house to go live with their husbands. And most likely not very far from both their own family and their in-laws. But living in close proximity or not, in our western society, the core family is the valued standard. We no longer depend on the extended family as we did before. We prefer most of the time to manage on our own, we have our own ideas about how to raise our children, and how to manage our daily lives. We read books and articles on child development and education (perhaps too many?), and we openly disagrees with the older generation about child raising. And not the least, even when we try to avoid conflicts, we don’t accept whatever comes from the other end. Modern women set their boundaries, which is not always well perceived. We don’t hang around simply to please everybody else, we have learned to say “no”, and for some this is a bitter pill to swallow, simply because what they deem best, or what they want, is not always what we want.

This might also have to do with how previous generations interacted, with the eldest having more authority. Now that they have reached the top of the hierarchy, they think it’s their prerogative to decide for everybody in the family. And I think that with the elevated level of education for both men and women, this is posing a problem, as we want to do it our way. We are no longer asking “how high” when asked to jump, we rather ask “why?”  

I have to end this by saying that I’m the mother of two boys, and one day in the future I might be the mother-in-law. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be a perfect mother-in-law, but I do sincerely hope that I will have the sense to ask before just assuming what my sons and their partners need, and not go about doing what I think they need or want. My aim is to treat them as equals, not inferior, non-experienced people. If they ask for advice, I will give advice, otherwise I shall do my best to keep my mouth shut. Being who I am, I know that can prove difficult at times, but as I said, I’m no more perfect than anyone else… I still hope I can have a good relation with my sons and their partners, based on openness and mutual respect.