I have read many places that therapists often advice people to avoid toxic relations. An advice I have no problem understanding, and wanting to live by. The challenge is just that sometimes we are forced to keep those relations in one way or another, because it’s people within our closest circle.

After conversations with several friends, over time, I have realized that one relation many of us feel difficult, is the one with our mother-in-law. And a recent question from one of my friends, “why do you think it’s so difficult?” inspired me to write this little piece.

First of all, I have no definite answer to the question. Second, many people have excellent relations with their in-laws. But for those of us who experience some kind of troubled relation, it seems that there are some things in common.

One thought that has crossed my mind, is that mothers-in-law are jealous of their son’s spouse. It’s not a far out thought, because she has loved her son since he was born, and all of a sudden there’s another woman claiming his attention and love. Which sparks another question; will she ever find the woman he choose good enough for her son? Or will she actively look for faults? Although she will probably do this “in secret”.

One common thing my friends and I have experienced, is the mother-in-law who interferes in our way of raising our children, or who comes around and straight away start to do things around our house. It’s nothing more irritating than this kind of silent way of criticism. Because unless we asked them to come over to give us a hand with the housekeeping, we do take it as criticism when the first thing they do are starting to pick up toys from the floor, or arranging all the kids books neatly in the shelves, or ask if they should take the dirty laundry with them. Perhaps they think they do us a favour, perhaps they do not intent to provoke us, but a tired mum with toddlers might perceive this behaviour in a hostile manner.

Which brings me to yet another thought. I have had to face on quite a few occasions comments like “you look tired”, or “you look irritated”, or “are you not well” when my kids were still at the age when they woke up at night, or when I had a rough time managing two-under-two alone, while my husband was away at work. I can assure you that comments like that is the last thing you need when you feel totally exhausted, but still tried to fresh up a bit to look kind of representable, and took your children to see their grand-mother. First time I let it pass, second time I bit my tongue, third time it really started to piss me off, and if I do remember correctly, I think I finally asked her to stop her comments. I guess she didn’t take it too well, because younger people should not answer back to the elder. Because mothers-in-law often put themselves in a superior position, even if we no longer share household or have to answer to her on a daily basis.

I also think that mothers-in-law keep a close eye to how we treat their sons. If we live up to the standard she sets. A standard I guess few of us are able to meet.

In case of conflict between a son and a mother, I also think that the wife will often be accused of turning son against mother. Perhaps not in direct words, but never forget that daughters-in-law are women too, and our intuition is no worse than that of the mothers-in-law. We quickly sense that something’s going on. No words need to be said, we see the look, feel the cold, sense the tone.

Of course the nature of the relation is also depending on the personalities involved. It’s why this is not something that affects every mother/daughter-in-law relation, or it affects it in different degrees. But at worst, it can be really tricky.

Perhaps things are about to change, as new generations have different experiences than old ones with balancing work and family. The next generations of mothers-in-law (like my friends and myself) have more than a formal higher education, we have also lived a life of our own before settling down, unlike our own mothers and mothers-in-law, whom for the most part left their parents’ house to go live with their husbands. And most likely not very far from both their own family and their in-laws. But living in close proximity or not, in our western society, the core family is the valued standard. We no longer depend on the extended family as we did before. We prefer most of the time to manage on our own, we have our own ideas about how to raise our children, and how to manage our daily lives. We read books and articles on child development and education (perhaps too many?), and we openly disagrees with the older generation about child raising. And not the least, even when we try to avoid conflicts, we don’t accept whatever comes from the other end. Modern women set their boundaries, which is not always well perceived. We don’t hang around simply to please everybody else, we have learned to say “no”, and for some this is a bitter pill to swallow, simply because what they deem best, or what they want, is not always what we want.

This might also have to do with how previous generations interacted, with the eldest having more authority. Now that they have reached the top of the hierarchy, they think it’s their prerogative to decide for everybody in the family. And I think that with the elevated level of education for both men and women, this is posing a problem, as we want to do it our way. We are no longer asking “how high” when asked to jump, we rather ask “why?”  

I have to end this by saying that I’m the mother of two boys, and one day in the future I might be the mother-in-law. I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be a perfect mother-in-law, but I do sincerely hope that I will have the sense to ask before just assuming what my sons and their partners need, and not go about doing what I think they need or want. My aim is to treat them as equals, not inferior, non-experienced people. If they ask for advice, I will give advice, otherwise I shall do my best to keep my mouth shut. Being who I am, I know that can prove difficult at times, but as I said, I’m no more perfect than anyone else… I still hope I can have a good relation with my sons and their partners, based on openness and mutual respect.